Birth, Baby!

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Welcome, this is Birth, Baby.

Your hosts are Ciarra Morgan and Samantha Kelly.

Ciarra is a birth doula, hypnobirthing educator and pediatric sleep consultant.

Samantha is a birth doula, childbirth educator and lactation counselor.

Join us as we guide you through your options for your pregnancy, birth and postpartum journey.

With the holidays fast approaching, we are chatting today about the boundaries around the holidays.

Boundaries, man, I'm good at those these days, but I have not always been, and I wish this had been around, especially when I had my first one.

Oh man.

So the holidays are really hard for new parents because there's a lot of expectations.

Expectations we have for ourselves and also from the people around us.

And how do we navigate those?

How do we allow ourselves and our newborns and our maybe other kids rest and us have the healing we need while not feeling like we're just being...

I had somebody the other day say she felt like she was being a princess about some things.

And I was like, girl, be a princess about it because we have to protect ourselves in our postpartum experience.

And that's not just right after having your baby.

That could be your baby's one and you were having nap time or whatever.

So let's talk about some of those things.

What's first on your list?

So first I have on my list is breastfeeding.

Mastitis rates rise around the holidays because people are getting off of schedule.

Might be offering baby more bottles and so you're breastfeeding less often.

Maybe baby is distracted, especially if you have a baby in that like six months to a year phase where they're like dying to look at everybody and everything all the time.

So baby's distracted and not nursing quite as well.

So there's a lot of different reasons why, but it's really important to prioritize breastfeeding and make sure that any family that you're spending time with during the holidays also understands that because skipping a feed may not seem like a big deal to them, but if that's gonna lead to you having a clogged duck on Christmas morning and having to spend your morning trying to clear that out or God forbid you get mastitis because you've missed too many feeds or baby's not nursing very well.

And then you're having to deal with those really awful cold and flu type symptoms during the holidays when you'd rather be spending time with your family and having a good time.

So-

And the pharmacies are closed.

And the pharmacies are closed.

That happens so much.

It does.

The first time and only time I ever got mastitis was on Christmas day when I was in Colorado with my family and with my son.

And it was all of that.

We'd been out and about.

We were doing a million things.

I wasn't nursing quite on schedule.

I was letting him, he was just starting solid food.

So I was letting him have like a few more snacks and stuff and not breastfeeding as much.

And I ended up with mastitis on Christmas and it was awful.

I'm like trying to like dangle pump and do all these things on Christmas day with all of my family around.

And I just don't want that for any of y'all.

So please make sure that you are prioritizing your breastfeeding, staying on schedule, and whatever that might look like for you.

If you need to have time to go sit in a room by yourself, a nurse, do that.

If you need to learn how to use breastfeeding covers, or even better, learn how to just be confident breastfeeding whenever and wherever you want, this is the time to do it.

Yes, that was one of the things that I used to say.

I was like, my boobs are gonna be out.

So you're just gonna have to deal with it.

And if you don't want to, then you're gonna need to not be in the room because I am not going into a thousand different rooms and using a bunch of different covers.

And it's really hard when people are visiting your house because you want to be in your own space and your own comfortable chair where you normally nurse and try to keep your schedule normal.

That also becomes hard because that's your space that you're comfortable in and your baby's comfortable in.

But then your baby's doing what Samantha said earlier and wanting to look around at all the people and interested in all the things.

Your feeds, even though you were trying to keep everything normal, still might be difficult.

So kind of carving out that space ahead of time to think ahead and plan for it is going to be really important.

Yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely.

Just, I don't think I can trust that enough.

Those status rights really rise quite a bit around the holidays, and it's for all of these reasons.

So make sure you're taking care of yourself, make sure you're taking care of your baby, and just make sure that everyone around you is ready to be supportive.

And if they're not ready to be supportive, then maybe they don't need to be around you.

Yeah, maybe we need to reconsider who we're spending holidays with.

Also, if we're not resting, so the next piece is building a loan time in for naps for everyone in the family.

If we're not resting, our immune system is also going to go down, and then we're all gonna get sick.

So we know that the rates of RSV and whooping cough and all of those things are higher in those winter months especially.

And yes, there are holidays other times of the year, but the ones where people tend to have all their family get together tend to be the ones in the winter months.

And if you guys are not keeping up with your normal schedule of napping and having some downtime, you know, my family is, you know, everyone's very different, but I remember even at a young age, feeling like I needed to kind of hold away at a certain point, it would be a couple of hours of being around everyone.

And then I just kind of need to go, I think they call it an introverted extrovert.

Like I can do it for a little bit, but then I need my recoup time in private.

And I still feel that way.

Even when my in-laws are here, I'll just kind of, I love them, but I will just kind of pull away in my room for a little bit and do laundry or watch a show.

And sometimes kids are like that too.

And people don't realize that your kids might be getting overstimulated in these situations.

I know when my in-laws are here, it's only a couple of times a year, and my son loves to go hard with grandpa.

And or he calls him Poppa Gnome.

And he loves to go hard with him, but his behavior is so bad when they're here.

And I'm like, gosh, they probably think we're terrible parents, but it's that he's so overstimulated and his normal schedule is not even okay for him anymore because like he needs to go to bed even earlier or have some downtime in the middle of the day.

So it's not only going to be important for immune system and things like that, but also behavior wise.

Yeah, absolutely, especially for again, those older babies.

The little ones, I always call them like, they're just kind of little screaming potatoes.

They'll just be happy wherever you want to put them or they'll scream wherever you put them and that's fine.

Screaming potatoes, I've never heard that and it gave me a really funny visual.

It's kind of look like a potato, it's fine.

Like a real cute one, sure, but like potato.

So anyways, little ones, little screaming potatoes.

The big ones, they're like little screaming running potatoes or crawling potatoes and they have opinion.

Tornadoes.

Tornadoes.

They have opinions and they definitely get that over-stimulation.

They can no longer sleep through, you know, through noises.

They kind of need to be on something of a schedule.

And so figuring that out ahead of time.

So for all of y'all who had springtime, you know, even summertime babies as you're coming into these holidays, this is the conversation for you.

So how are you going to stay on schedule with your babies?

What's that going to look like for you?

And those of you that are having babies in the fall and in the winter, and you're going to have little fresh ones, what is that going to look like for you?

Your healing is really, really important during this time.

And you need to kind of have some conversations around that.

And I think that that brings us into our next point too.

Yeah.

And real quick, another part is, from the sleep consultant perspective, you know, I have people ask me all the time, I just want one of those babies that will just nap in the restaurant, you know, I just want to be able to do things still and not have to work around a nap schedule.

And I'm always like, you know, it's only temporary.

Eventually the number of naps goes down and eventually there are no naps, but would you nap in the middle of a restaurant?

Probably not.

So there's smells and noises and cool things and all of this food that other people are putting in their mouth and you want to know what it tastes like.

And it's just not normal.

Yes, some kids do and great, awesome for them, but also they're not getting as deep of a level of sleep when that's happening.

So their little brains are still taking in information that they're having to process even though they're trying to sleep.

So it's okay to stick to your schedule.

It's not being too rigid.

It's not being some weird type A parent that's not flexible.

Your behavior from your children and the outcome of your experience on the times that they're awake is going to be vastly improved if you stay as much on schedule as you can.

And with the older kids, something to think about is all of the eating schedules during the holidays are kind of weird.

You know, people have Thanksgiving at 3 p.m.

or whatever.

And while that's fine and fun for adults, it's a little bit harder for kids.

And there's also not as many foods that they're used to eating that are being offered to them.

So you may have worse behavior because of that, or there's more sweets around.

Like trying to think ahead of time with your partner, having these honest conversations with your partner, is that's part of it.

It's like, what are we gonna allow?

What are we gonna stretch on?

Where do we need to rein it in?

And planning ahead of time is going to have a lot for, is gonna say a lot for how you guys deal with it in the moment because there will be less conflict.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

It's a huge part of it.

So that's absolutely it.

Having honest conversations with your partner about what you need and what your family needs during this holiday season is going to really set the tone for success for your family.

And I can tell you as a parent of older children, this is something that we still do every holiday season, right about, we're recording this in October.

My husband and I have started having these conversations already about what's our holidays gonna look like this year?

What's kind of our game plan?

And this was something that we set, that we learned early in our parenting days, and we'll, I assume we'll probably keep continuing it forever.

So start talking it through.

If you're gonna be traveling, how are you gonna do that safely for your kids?

If you're gonna be flying, we know RSV and whooping cough and flu and all these things are raising.

So what's that gonna look like?

What are your goals as a family in terms of health and safety?

Traveling with the car seat.

That was one thing I forgot one year.

We were gonna be traveling for a family reunion.

I had not even considered when we get there to get into a car, we're gonna need a car seat.

And my husband did.

He was like, you're a great mom.

Like, he's just joking with me.

He's like, I, Ciarra, I already talked to them about it.

We already, my in-laws or your in-laws are bringing a car seat for us to you.

They borrowed one for a friend.

I was like, oh, good.

But I totally was gonna get off of the plane and into a car and then look down and go, oh crap.

If he had not thought about that already.

So those are things to consider.

Are you gonna be staying in an Airbnb or a hotel?

Is it one room?

Does your child sleep in their own room right now when you're at home?

Well, if they do and you guys are in one room, what does that look like?

Is your baby gonna not wanna sleep because they can see you the whole time and they're like, pop for day.

Are you gonna get a pack and play?

Is there a stowaway cot kind of thing?

How do you keep them safe in the room that you're gonna be and how are you gonna practice safe sleep?

If they're 18 months and they're still in a crib and you're going somewhere where they're gonna just be in a bed, what does that look like?

So thinking about all of those moving pieces, I'll tell you right now.

Right in the room.

Oh my gosh.

I'll tell you right now, my recommendation is always to try to get a separate room for your kid if you can, because otherwise you're gonna be like those memes show in the bathroom, like eating Doritos, sitting on the toilet of a hotel room at 8 p.m.

Like, well, we have nothing else to do.

I guess we hang out in the bathroom.

We're gonna be in the dark.

We've been there and done that so many times.

Like the darkness of the room, this is something like my kids, and this is probably my own fault.

We always use like room darkening curtains in their rooms.

And so, especially my son, he still at the age of six really can't sleep well if his room is bright.

And so we have to really think through, okay, how are we gonna darken the rooms?

Amazon sells these like little shades that you can just like suction cup onto the window or pinned to the walls of whatever room you're in.

And we bring those places when they were little.

We use something called a slumber pod, which I'm not actually sure if slumber pods are considered safe for sleep.

We had-

So they technically are, but sleep consultants generally don't love them.

You guys can look them up and decide for yourself.

They've not been recalled or anything, but if you can do it without it, that's cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I could see how it could go both ways.

Anyways, we used that.

That was really great for my kids.

But yeah, definitely thinking through the actual logistics and really planning that out.

Even if you have a little screaming potato, you're still going to need to figure that out.

Where are you going to put the baby?

Don't forget to pack the sound machine.

Oh my gosh.

Don't forget to pack the sound machine.

Don't forget the sound machine.

That's clutch.

Medication.

Everything that either of you could need.

That's another one.

Now where we travel, almost everywhere you're going to travel, there's some sort of CVS or even a gas station that you can pick up Tylenol or something at, but they don't always carry children's Tylenol.

By the way, infant stuff is a joke.

It's like the same thing, but just more expensive.

It is.

You can get children's, but I know, mind blown for some people.

Oh my gosh.

It's ridiculous.

They've been sued for it, y'all.

Just saying.

Have they really?

It's only Tylenol.

Advil is not the same, but infant Tylenol and children's Tylenol is the same thing.

It's just put in different bottles and the infant Tylenol comes with a little syringe instead of the cup.

That is wild.

You can get the syringe from the pharmacist for free.

But it's legitimately more expensive.

Oh, hugely.

Yeah.

It's stupid.

Anyways.

So bring that stuff with you.

Even if you're flying, you can bring liquid medications.

You're just not allowed to bring like drinks and stuff.

But now, oh, that brings us to another thing.

If you're flying and you're pumping and breast milk is a liquid, however, you're allowed to bring it through.

But they had to like test the bottles when I went through.

So I had pumped milk that we were bringing through so that I wouldn't have to nurse like in the middle of the airport, not because I didn't want to, but because my son was so distracted, I knew he wouldn't get a good feed.

And I had them going through the TSA or whatever, and they take these little wipes and they wipe the outside of the bottle to like test it for bomb residue and all sorts of craziness and drugs and whatever.

And then my milk got left in the TSA area.

They hadn't packed it back into my bag.

And I realized it right as I was getting onto the plane, I'm like running back to TSA, so don't make the Ciarra mistake.

But you have to allow for extra time when traveling because of those things.

So that's another thing to think about.

Yeah, TSA is a whole huge thing.

We didn't even have that on our list, but we should definitely talk about that for a minute here.

TSA, so things, some hot tips for all y'all traveling with kids this year.

If you are traveling with strollers, you can gate check them, but going through the security places at the airports, they're going to do a whole separate check on your strollers the majority of the time, and the same with the car seats.

You can either gate check your car seats, or if you have a seat for your kid, you can carry car seats on.

And according to most child passengers, not most, all child passenger safety techs, if you are flying with a child, you should, best practice would be to have their own seat and have them in a car seat.

So, little hot tip for you there.

They can nap better, it's just...

It's so much easier.

I didn't have the money to be getting a second seat for my kid when I didn't have to, so I didn't do it and he was on my lap.

And I guess if you're willing to just be a pacifier while they nurse and sleep, if your kid will even do that, then that's fine.

But getting him to nap on a plane was nearly impossible.

They already have their seat and they're used to falling asleep.

Yeah, but if you have your stroller already and you have your little pumpkin seat in the stroller, you can always plan on gate checking that.

But then when you get up to the desk, ask if there's any seats available.

And sometimes they'll just move y'all to a different row where you can have a seat for your baby.

I've had that happen a couple of times when I'm traveling and then I can put my baby in the seat.

So there's a couple of tricks there.

Travelling with breast milk.

She's a cheater.

That's what she just said.

Oh, I'm a cheater.

I'm a cheater and I'm proud of it, y'all.

It's called a parent hack.

It is a parent hack.

Traveling with children though, so you're allowed to bring medication.

You actually are allowed to bring like baby food and different things that are over the, that like whatever it is, three and a half ounce limit that they have.

They just might do some extra tests on it.

They have like a little strip just to make sure that they like dip in it or wave over it or do something with it to make sure it's not, I don't know, poisoned or bombs or something crazy.

Are we gonna get flagged for saying bombs on our podcast?

I don't know.

Goodness.

But yeah, they'll test all of those things.

If you are ever traveling with breast milk or you're traveling with children or anything that you're just not totally positive about or you're nervous about it, my best advice would be to pull up the regulations, what TSA says on their websites about those things, like traveling with breast milk, traveling with a car seat, and just have them up on your phone.

That way, if you do encounter somebody who does not know the policies, you can just show it to them and not have to worry about that conversation too much.

I have never actually had to use it, but I always have it up on my phone just in case, because I'm always nervous that they're gonna be like, oh, you can't have that breast milk.

You have to throw it all away or something crazy.

And I'm not doing that.

So I have those things up on your phone, then you can avoid any sort of drama.

Yes, and also I just had one of our clients, actually, Sam, and I won't tell you who it is because I'm not gonna use their name on here.

They probably wouldn't care.

They're due in March, and they got invited to a wedding in Italy in for I think next May.

So their baby will be about two months old.

She was like, Ciarra, they have like this whole villa where everyone's gonna be staying.

Like they have 40 rooms at this villa reserved for people to stay at.

And she was, if the kid was gonna be like three months old, I'd be like, yeah, I'm all in.

But I'm trying to think about, it's gonna be my postpartum recovery and the baby's gonna be brand new.

Are we crazy to consider this?

And so we started talking about all of the things to think about.

And I was like, honestly, if you're gonna have to pack for it postpartum, that's gonna probably be overwhelming.

I would pack for this trip before you even have your baby so that you just have everything you need and have a little bit more clear of a mind and more sleep under your belt.

But I was like, you have to think about all of the things you will need in a day.

And some are just creature comforts, but you're probably gonna want some of those creature comforts.

And others are like be all and all gotta have it.

So you need to write a list, sit down and write a list of all the things you need to bring.

Because for postpartum, you have to think about your healing.

Are you still gonna need pads?

Are you still needing a peri-bottle depending on how long you've been postpartum?

Also, how's your pelvic floor gonna do with walking around and traveling if you guys are going far?

If you're that newly postpartum, and it's not to Italy for a wedding, I'd suggest having people come to your area rather than you getting up and traveling far with a baby.

I always feel like the people with the youngest kid should have to go the least far.

Like they should be able to stay put and everyone should come to them.

But you know, a pump, are you pumping?

Are you gonna have to bring pumping bags or milk storage bags?

What does it look like for a refrigerator or freezer space while you're there to be able to put those in?

So you really got to think about where you're gonna be staying and what is going to be accessible for you too.

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.

You feel like totally gone off of the boundaries postpartum.

But I mean, thinking about all of these things.

Yeah, thinking about all of these things helps you decide what your boundary will be.

So what are you comfortable with after assessing all of these things?

And then that's going to be different for every person.

Not everybody has the same comfort level.

I have a friend who travels nonstop.

It makes her happy.

It's wonderful.

She has a picture of her kid looking at the Northern Lights, and her kid is dead asleep on her dad's back, and they're all having a great time.

And I'm like, that is stressful for me to even look at, because absolutely not.

Like, there's just no way.

I like my bed, and I like my kids to be in their bed and have our structure.

But everybody's different.

So if you have a travel bug in you, it doesn't mean that you're totally not going to be able to do it.

It just means you need to think about the logistics of it.

Yeah, if that's comfortable for you.

And that's part of those honest conversations, talking with your partner, what works best for your family.

Just because Ciarra and I do not like traveling with our tiny children does not mean you won't.

And that's something, you know, it'll be an adjustment, but it's a conversation for you and your partner to have and for you all to decide together.

And to really think honestly about what is going to be best for your healing and your recovery.

And that immediate postpartum period.

And what's going to be best for your child.

And then the other aspect of us that I don't think that we've really talked a whole lot about is the mental health aspect of it.

If there's going to be, you know, family around and different people around, are they going to be supportive of you?

Are they going to be helpful for your recovery?

Or is it going to be more stressful?

And thinking through, is that something that you are comfortable handling at this point in your life?

And then, you know, as well as if people are going to be coming to you, setting boundaries with them on who's doing what, who is in charge of, you know, running the laundry or taking the dog out or cooking Christmas dinner.

And what is going to work for all of you in terms of like, how long are they going to stay?

Where are they going to sleep?

Are you going to breastfeed in your living room like you normally do?

You know, is everybody going to wake up at 6 a.m.

because that's what time your four year old wakes up?

You know, yes, trying to keep your house quiet when you have like a three year old running around like a banshee playing with tractors at 6 30 a.m.

is not an easy task, my friends.

And another thing to think about is what if your family lives in the same area, right?

And it's like, oh, well, it's that Aunt Carol's house this year, but they asked you to bring a dish that is like really intricate and hard to make.

And you have to be on your feet for a long time and you're going to be three weeks postpartum.

Just say no.

It's OK to say no.

It's OK to say, you know what?

Actually, I'm going to ask Whole Foods to make that for me.

Or I'm so sorry, but we just don't have the bandwidth to be able to do that right now.

No, is it?

No, is a complete sentence.

I mean, you can give an explanation, but you don't have to.

You just say I just don't have the ability to do that right now.

And if they don't understand, then that's on them.

It's not on you.

It says way more about them than it says about you.

And thinking about, you know, some people have to go on special diets when they're breastfeeding.

I was, are you ready for this list?

I was already gluten-free.

So I was gluten-free, peanut, tree nut, tree nut, soy and dairy-free also for at least three months while I was nursing Anson to try to figure out what he wasn't okay with.

And people would come over to my house and bring a cheese ball or something.

And I was like, oh my God, I'm going to kill you.

I knew obviously not everyone's going to make concessions around me, but I would not have brought that because I couldn't eat it, and I would want to eat it, and I can't.

Kyle was so funny.

He'd bring me a taco and he's like, here's a breakfast taco with no queso.

He would always announce what's not on it.

I want the queso.

So thinking about that, is there going to be food for you with whatever dietary restrictions you have, for whatever reason that is?

Or what if you're 38 weeks pregnant when the holidays are coming around, and you're probably not going to have had the baby yet, but you're just not for traveling very far.

So only to say this year, we're just going to have a quiet little thing at home, just the two of us, or just the three of us, or whatever.

It's okay to say no.

Absolutely.

Absolutely it is.

And again, I really think a lot of this is just going to come back to you and your partner having really honest conversations ahead of time, at a time when you're not stressed out, you've set aside time for this conversation and figuring out what's going to work best for you and your partner.

Is your partner prepared to advocate for you in all the ways that you may need?

And if not, then maybe this is a home year, and that is 100% OK.

If you have little ones right now, they're not going to remember that you spent your first Christmas away from the family.

Maybe there's a mother-in-law who might hold it against you a little bit, but she can come see you in January and things will be OK, too.

And speaking of in-laws, I'm going to give one more piece of unsolicited advice, which I guess all of this is unsolicited.

I would recommend in any disagreement or argument or boundary or whatever in life, in your relationship, that your partner takes care of your in-laws and establishing boundaries with them, and you take care of your family and establishing boundaries with them.

Now, you guys can come up with the boundaries together.

I suggest you do that.

But, you know, if your mother-in-law is asking you to bring a cheesy egg dish and your egg and dairy free because you're nursing and your baby is having issues with allergies or something, then your partner needs to tell your mother-in-law, hey, actually, I'm totally not even going to ask her to do that because she can't even eat those things.

And also, I really need us to have some food there that she can eat.

So we're actually going to bring a dish that she can eat and that's within her diet.

She's happy to share.

We'll bring enough for everybody.

You know, like, or our baby, yes, is eating solids, but is all of these things free.

So we're going to make an eggless whatever for them.

And please make sure you don't feed my baby X, Y, Z.

It's okay to establish those boundaries ahead of time because people just think it's fun to feed babies.

I know somebody, they were at a party and somebody tried to give their baby yogurt.

And she was like, what are you doing?

They could not have that.

They've not had any table food yet.

What are you doing?

Somebody else, somebody tried to give their baby apple juice.

So it's usually not from a place of meanness or bad intent.

It's just that they're having fun and not even thinking.

So you just got to put up those boundaries and it can always be done in a kind way, but it is okay to do it.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

When it all comes down to it, this is one holiday season out of many that your family is going to have.

And it's going to be most important for you to set yourself up for success and have a positive holiday, even if that is you and your family at home.

That can be really magical in a lot of ways.

It really can.

I agree.

Go out there and do it, y'all.

Feel free to write to us.

We would love to hear any other tips and tricks that you have.

If there's anything that you wish that you had known, send it out there.

We'd be happy to share it on social media or we can even have a whole other episode.

I know that we talked a little bit about travel in this one.

We may have to do a whole travel episode, a little guide to traveling.

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